she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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