I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
