i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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