bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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