We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
