Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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