New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
