really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
