I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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