Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize