I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
