Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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