the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
