When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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