The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
