Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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