remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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