you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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