hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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