I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
