it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
