I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize