Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
