He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
