I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize