There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize