She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
do herpes really smell.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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