i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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