Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I am one with the molecules
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize