Can Purell be used as lube?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
