As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize