Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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