Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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