I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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