1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize