EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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