I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
