Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
