I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
