I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
