dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
