Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
