how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
