the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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