I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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