hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
