I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
