I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
