It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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