Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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