White coat. Heels.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize