Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
