I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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