someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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