halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
