walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I party with great urgency now.
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