6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
